Untitled. III

The flat line:

  It didn’t take long for me to lose consciousness. The doctors said that my heart stopped for a few minutes but they managed to bring me back to life. I wish they didn’t. i wish that was it. One of my friends was supposed to get me something and knew something was wrong when i didn’t answer. What else can i do to get over you? Why are doing this to me saud? I’ve tried almost everything. I drank, I got high, I tried being with other guys, Meeting new people, I even tried suicide to be with you. This is not working, nothing is. This is hard for me, getting over you is hard. You were my world. My sunshine. My happiness. My love. What is a day without your good mornings? How can i sleep without your good nights? What is life without you? To me, it feels like i flatlined the day you died. 

Under supervision: 

  My parents decided that it was time for me to go to a professional. I needed some help. They took me to some guy, a psychologist. He was in his forties. Yet he was very childish. He wasn’t mature. He talked to me and tried to get something out of me but failed. I went back to his phone, his sister gave it to me. I went through it and looked at our old conversations. He still had them. I went through his pictures. I found one that i never have noticed, a picture of him holding a girl with a smile on both their faces. Who is this girl? Its not his sister. She some what looks like me which is making me a little uncomfortable. i can’t understand this, what does this mean? That picture was haunting me all night long. Every time i closed my eyes that night, i could only think about it.

The picture:

    Its been days since i've seen that picture and i still can't get it out of my head. I picked up the phone and called his sister, I had to meet her and talk about it. She agreed to come over tonight. It was a bit past midnight and I still remember it so clearly. I bluntly asked her about it but she just said she didn't know but i could tell she did. So i pressed her and she finally told me: 'its his ex, well technically she's not.' i asked her to explain what that meant. 'He was with her for about two years and he was mad about her. Unfortunately she died just before he proposed and he was devastated. More like broken.' Stared at the wall without saying a word and after a while i let out an 'oh'. She said it was getting late and she had to go back home but i knew she felt the awkwardness and was aware that i needed to be alone. He was with someone and never told me. He loved someone else and never thought about bringing it up. I started thinking about all the secrets he kept from me. I kept thinking 'what if he liked me because we had some resemblance?' I was drowning in my own thoughts.

Who am I?

   I woke up feeling better. It's like knowing this about him made it easier for me to get over him. I had made the decision to isolate myself from anything that reminded me of him. Even my phone and my friends. I decided to change everything about my room. I went out one day to shop for my room and found myself lost. I didn't know what to get. He picked everything for me. What's my favorite color? Should i get a big bed or a small one? How many pillows do i need? Should i get two or three closets? Should i paint my walls white or lilac blue? i stopped there in the middle of nowhere. I had my mind set. I was going to discover who I really am, who i want to be. I need to get to know myself. I went straight to mom and said 'I don't want to spend one more day in this house.' and went to my room to pack.