Untitled. II

The day after:

 i woke up with the worst feeling ever. I was nauseous. I wanted to throw up but I couldn’t get up. Something was holding me down. I was suffocating. He’s gone. I’m never going to able to listen to him sing fly me to the moon everyday. I can never feel his hand holding mine. And i won’t be able to tell him that he is my happiness. I started questioning everything. I started to think about every moment i had with him. How this whole thing started and how it just ended with no warning or anything. Was it my fault? Should i have been with him? What would have i happened if I were? I closed my eyes as I inhaled the hospitals scents and smells. It only made me want to throw up even more. I just wanted to go back home and grief alone. I didn’t want people surrounding me telling me its fine. That I’ll get over him. I don’t want people giving me pathetic looks, or sorry kind of looks.

What happened to forever?

  The second I entered my room, I hugged the stuffed rabbit he won me in that carnival. He was so determined. I kept telling him that i didn’t want it anymore and that these people are all scammers but he was insistent. I remember his face he won this. I remember how tight I hugged him after. We were supposed to give it to our first daughter. She’d be so attached to it. She would give it to her children and tell them the story behind it. The story of us. What happened to forever? This was supposed to last. We were going to start a family, 3 girls and 2 boys. We both came from big families and wanted to down-size a little. we were going to buy an apartment with a great view. It would have been somewhere close to my family. We’d get 2 cats and a big fish tank because for some reason you liked fish. We had an argument about how boring fish are every time we discuss pets and you end the conversation with: ‘they eat krispy kreme’. I’d laugh at how silly your argument is and that it was a cartoon and you’d say: ‘I love you but you don’t have to win every argument’. You were mature and that’s why i fell in love with you. While every other guy was Picking up girls trying to win them over and fight over and over to prove who’s more of a man, he was trying to find who he was and try to develop that. He was a hard worker that knew how to balance everything. He always put family first and every other silly matter last. He always knew what to do and when to do. He had great manners and never was rude.He knew how to make me fall in love with him all over again everyday. But why would it matter anymore? He’s no longer here.

Getting over you :

  The next few weeks were pretty hard. I was trying to take my mind off of what happened. I’m a mess without him. I don’t know how i got here or when. I curved to a path that wasn’t right for me. A path that i never would’ve chosen if he was here. I quit my job and stayed home. I met some people, i got out with the wrong group. A group that led me to this. To everything wrong with my life. I haven’t been home in 4 days. I’ve been doing some things that if anyone knew about i wouldn’t still be here. I would be locked in my room forever. One day I kind of overdosed and it gave me clarity. We said we’d be together forever, so why shouldn’t we be together now? I went straight to the bathroom and cried my eyeballs out. Screaming, shouting, gasping for a breath. I opened the cabinet and found a razor. I started to calm down and stopped crying. I took a deep breath as i slit my wrists.